How to make management-concerns item formulation more concise and precise: 2 illustrative examples

How to make management-concerns item formulation more concise and precise, with reference to the agile literature review approach: illustrative examples:

Example 1: an item located in zone 1 (from a student's management-concerns diagram:

Zone 1 (environmental drivers)

The original management-concerns item: "Concerned about the decreasing circulating capital in IT department of ABC Bus Service which afftected by the overall impact of rising fuel cost during a period of the decreased passenger traffic".

Zone 1 (environmental drivers)

Revised to become: "Concerned about the tighter supply of external financial capital to finance the increasing operational cost of for IT department of ABC Bus Service" 

There could be other ways to refine this management-concerns item; this example is to illustrate how to make the item formulation more concise and precise. Some of the details filtered out could be presented in the description of the management-concerns diagram in the dissertation report writing.

Example 2 an item located in zone 2 (from a student's management-concerns diagram:

Zone 2 (organizational capabilities)

The original management-concerns item: "Must calculate the cost of available fund in IT department for ABC Bus Service"

Zone 2 (organizational capabilities)

Revised to become: "Concerned about the difficulty by the Accounting and Finance Dept to calculate cost of fund available to the IT Dept of ABC Bus Service".

With the revised management-concern item from me, it is then up to research methods student to pick up the idea of concise and precise formulation to work out his/ her own formulation to capture his/her true thinking.